Updated: Mar 13, 2019
I woke up today feeling pretty positive - It’s International Women’s Day and I was going to kick ass! But after I did a few hours work on my laptop and had a little scrolly scroll on Instagram, it was time to grab some lunch. With my kitchen cupboard situation looking pretty abysmal a trip to Asda for something delicious was on the cards. I suddenly felt really anxious, a sick feeling in my stomach as if something really bad was going to happen.
I usually manage my mental health pretty well, I have down days but I’m quite good at remembering that everything is temporary and being able to find the positive. I usually whack on some upbeat music and forget about my worries, I’ve never felt so anxious that I haven’t wanted to leave the house and I’ve never let it stop me from getting on with my day as planned. But for some reason today was different and the feelings of dread and guilt just wouldn’t budge, and I couldn’t face leaving my apartment. So, I decided to change my plans, make some crumpets and a brew and watch a couple of episodes of Friends.
Instead, I sat on my sofa thinking about why I might be feeling like this. It’s International Women’s Day and my social media was full of people thanking their female family members who inspire them and supported their dreams, talking about how proud they are of what they have achieved and how far they have come, etc. Usually this sort of thing inspires me, it’s what I live for. But not today.
I really wanted to post something uplifting and empowering to mark the occasion, I wrote out a tonne of different captions and all of them made me feel like a complete fraud. I realised I was comparing myself to everyone else. I’ve been self-employed for coming up to 4 years and I was comparing myself to people who I know have similar goals to me and who I know have been at it the same amount of time as me, but they are doing SO much better than me and they all have a really cool and inspiring caption to write about international woman’s day and I just don’t.
This made me realise how completely overwhelmed I am at the moment. I have so many ideas floating round my head, so much going on in my life that I feel like I’m stuck. I want to do so much but I’m not really getting anywhere.
As some of you might know, I closed my business, Frankie’s Threads, a couple of months ago with the dream of doing something more suited to me as ‘Gaby’ rather than me as Frankie’s Mum. (More on this to come). So right now, I have no form of income other than working tax credits and dribs and drabs from selling vintage denim jackets. Some of you might think this was a foolish move, you’re probably right, but I knew that if I didn’t stop Frankie’s Threads at the exact moment I realised it wasn’t my passion anymore, then I would have got too comfortable and never chased my real passions. Plus, I’m an impulsive twat.
The thing is, as well as being an impulsive twat, I’m also an idiot who tries doing too many things at one time. Hence me feeling so overwhelmed. I’ve been wanting to blog for so long, I have a list as long as my arm of blog ideas, some half-finished blogs and some ready to post. I’m also going into business with my friend, we have an awesome idea that I know you will all love, but it’s taking time and I’m impatient. I have so many things I want to do with my Instagram too. Did I mention I have a shit tonne of Vintage Denim Jackets to sell?? Oh, and the other day, I decided to finally do something about the other idea I’ve had in my head for about a year… a female networking group in my local area. I’m that much of a busy body that yesterday when I took Frankie to our local market to grab some sweets, I thought about how much the market would benefit from a florist and I genuinely went home and started researching it. Seriously though, Rawtenstall Market needs a decent florist with cute house plants and gorgeous bouquets... Someone do it, so I don’t have to.
Frankie is at nursery three days a week and I’m trying to cram all of this into those three days and the evenings when Frankie is in bed. Also trying to be a good mum to him on the two days he’s at home. Cook good meals. Make sure I don’t get too fat from my lack of going to the gym. Run my house. See my friends. Get enough sleep. Clean my house. Something has got to give…. Is the most pointless statement ever. Because I know I won’t give up on any of those dreams (apart from the florist), they all complement each other, I know I can make it work and I’m just having an off day. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s believing in myself.
One thing that bugs about the end of people’s blogs is when they say, ‘If you’ve got this far thank you for listening to me ramble’. I want to shake them and say... Of course I got this far it was fucking brilliant!! So, if you take anything from this blog it’s that you should always believe in yourself.
Happy International Woman’s Day.